I find picking a great Halloween costume to be a bit tricky.
Of course, it could be that I'm just really dang picky.
There were quite a few years that I skipped the holiday,
even though I did want to join my friends and go play...
Because if I'm going to dress up I want to do it right,
but I often procrastinate 'til I have a mere fortnight.
That's usually not enough time to come up with something clever,
and I end up spending a fortune on vintage costume treasure.
So, this year I tried to learn from watching my friends plan.
Not surprisingly, the first trick is so start as soon as you can.
I took that fact to heart, perhaps a bit to the extreme.
I've been planning all year... every time I drink some Jim Beam.
You see, that's what I was sipping nearly one year ago,
when Jack Skeleton came wandering in to the karaoke show.
It was, by far, one of the best costumes I've ever seen.
The "mask" that he made was ridiculously keen.
Thanks to his inspiration and deep thoughts while drunk,
I now have more ideas than I ever did as a young punk.
One idea I had (which I'm probably too tall to wear myself)
was a McDonald's fry girl costume made from things upon my shelf.
I thought I could dye an old sheet and rip it up into strips,
then sew them onto an old hat and dress, covering my head to my hips.
I might have to buy tights and a pair of converse high tops,
and I'm not sure if I'd peek my eyes through or use props...
but I could easily make glasses with spray paint & cardboard,
and think a fry girl with great legs would not be ignored.
I bet she'd end up either dancing at a bar with Chewbacca,
or laughing in a booth with Fozzie... waka, waka, waka!!!
Though that sounded quite fun, I knew it wasn't for me,
but the homemade dye I'd found could possibly be.
For about 10 years I've wanted to dress as Smurfette.
I saw a guy pull it off once and I'll never forget.
He had painted his body blue and worn a white dress.
With red lipstick and a wig it sure did impress.
Alas, the handcrafted blue I planned was not so smart.
I should have known it was a bad idea right from the start.
You know those toilet bowl tablets that turn the water blue?
Well... let's just say that they aren't meant for me and you.
After what shall now be known as "the blue dye attempt",
I wanted a more adult costume with still no money spent.
I decided a sophisticated girl would be both clever and cute.
I wanted a message that would be considered astute.
The problem is I tried to ponder while drinking...
and as you know, alcohol impedes one's smart thinking.
I decided I wanted to be a victim of the BP oil spill.
As the big day inches closer, it's feeling against my will.
A bikini, skimpy cover up and flip flops with oil specks,
are a style choice only pretty waifs can wear sans regrets.
So, once again, I sat pondering two weeks before Halloween.
To lower the planning stress, I took another shot of Jim Beam.
Wandering the internet in hopes of costume inspiration,
I found a news story about monkey issues at a sports celebration.
To prevent more biting incidents they've put bigger monkeys in charge.
A group of lemurs and their handlers will protect the population at large.
Suddenly I realized there is one costume type I've never tried...
and a large mask or full body suit would allow me to hide!
Now all I need is a monkey suit and a security uniform...
and the bucks to pay for it... sounds like my Halloween norm.
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